Welcome to the “Ask Dr. Georgiana’s Relationship Series. This week we will be discussing “how to get a guy” and everything that is wrong with that question!
This article is in response to a question I received from Michelle, from Ontario, Canada. She said the following:
“Hello Dr. Georgiana, I have been looking for dating advice on YouTube and on dating coaches’ blogs and have been finding recommendations that seem superficial. I am particularly interested in advice on how to get a guy. I would like to learn some skills that will allow me to find and commit to the right man but do not want to have to change my behavior in order to impress anyone. Can you please address the issue of what is appropriate to do and not do when dating a man? Thank you.”
Michelle is right, the Internet is full of dating advice on how to get a guy. But how many times have you tried to get your date to like you and came home feeling that there was something wrong with your approach?
Let’s look at four common flawed recommendations of dating experts who want you to learn “how to get a guy” by building some skills in trapping the most eligible bachelor you can find: do not talk about yourself during a date, do not ask too many personal questions, do not introduce your date to your friends and family until you have a commitment from him, and do not call your date until he has initiated with a phone call a few times.
Do those sound familiar? If you look closely at these 4 pieces of advice, you will realize that behind them is the premise that you should be careful with what you say and do so that you don’t scare your date away. This implies that men are delicate, in need of careful management, possibly insecure, and that if you happen to appear too eager by calling them, including them in your life, or being too curious about how they think, they will run away and never come back. This does not put men on a pedestal. In my view, this kind of thinking and advice puts them down. In reality, most men are not that delicate, unaware, or weak and would much prefer a partner who is real and does not play games.
Think about it: what is the point in pretending not to care for a man if what you expect from him is to care about you? That seems short sighted because at one point or another you have to start being yourself or will end up being manipulative for the rest of your life together. And then one day, when he gets tired of it, he will probably walk out on you. Not the outcome you are looking for!
Here are four tips I would like to suggest instead of the one that just focuses on how to get a guy.
First and foremost, do not play games. You do not have to throw yourself at any man on a first date, or even on a second or third, not so much because of what he will think of you but because you have not had enough time to get to know him. It could be dangerous and a waste of time.
Second, instead of focusing on whether a man likes you and on how to get a guy, ask yourself whether or not you like him. What do you think matters most? Whether your date finds the love he is looking for or whether you do? Because in the end, if you don’t like him, it won’t matter that he is interested in you. How many people do you know who collect admirers and receive ten or twenty calls from different men in the same month but are not really interested in any of them? Isn’t that a waste of time? Wouldn’t it more efficient to date a preselected few that meet your requirements and let go of the ones who don’t? You would be doing your dates and yourself a favor.
Third, do talk about yourself when you have something you want to share or when your date asks you a question. And ask your date questions in order to get to know him too. If you talk too much about yourself, it’s most likely because you are overly anxious, do not have any curiosity about the person you are with or are not asking yourself the most important, million-dollar question: Do I like him? If you are not focused on how to get a gut but on facilitating a conversation that will allow you to find out what you need to know, you are more likely to strike a balance between talking and listening. This will direct you towards deeper subjects such as the quality of life that you both want, your goals and struggles, and what makes you happy or unhappy in a relationship. As a result of showing interest in him and being open and honest, he is more likely to be open and honest with you. This will allow you to find out if you like him.
Finally, if you do like him, by all means, introduce him to your friends and family whenever the situation arises naturally. The people I coach know that one of the first things I say about dating is that they should meet the person in a social context. You could spend six months dating someone who is watching what they say to you and hiding their true nature and then when you see them at a party full of your friends for the first time you may notice something about them that you never noticed before. Seeing your date in a social context will allow you to know how he relates to others, whether he has empathy, whether he is discreet when someone tells him something, whether he behaves when there are attractive women around him, and hundreds of other things you need to know. I am not suggesting that you take your date to a sit-down dinner for 4 with your parents on the second date, but if there is a party at a friends’ house, your parents are invited and your friends are comfortable with you bringing a date, by all means, do so with confidence.
The main point of all these tips is, if you focus on what you are looking for in a partner rather than on how to get a guy and what your date is looking for, you will get much better results.
Even though you may not get all of the guys you go out with, you should not be concerned because no more than 10% of the men you will meet may be a good fit for you, so you should thank the ones who leave. And they will leave if they find something that does not fit with them and is non-negotiable. You may not agree with their assessment of you but in reality, it does not matter. If something is non-negotiable for one person, and the other person is not willing or able to change it, the relationship will not work in the long term and you have saved time and heartache. Do not fear what your date will do. He will evaluate whether you have the characteristics that he is looking for and you should do the same.
Next time you date, remember the million dollar question I am suggesting: Do I like him? By focusing on that question, your phone may not ring off the hook but you will be a lot more available for last minute plans, less encumbered with other people’s expectations, and closer to finding the relationship that you dream of and deserve.
I am honored to be part of your journey to date the right partner and look forward to sharing future articles with you, speaking with you in one of my online relationship programs, or having a personalized Relationship Coaching session.
Your comments are very important to me and help me guide future article choices. PLEASE SHARE YOUR EXPERIENCES WITH DATING RECOMMENDATIONS ON HOW TO GET A GUY! You can comment below or on my Facebook page. I will read all of your comments and make every effort to address your questions, struggles, and concerns in future articles. _______________________________________________________________________________________ ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Author Georgiana Spradling, Ph.D., MFT, CDVC, is a multicultural and multilingual (English, Spanish, & French) Emotional Intelligence Relationship Coach with over 20 years of experience helping people choose the right partners and avoid the wrong ones, manage emotions and behaviors in self and others, leave unhealthy partnerships, and move past old relationships. She is a Certified Domestic Violence Counselor and has a Certificate as an Anger Management Facilitator.
Her e-book: “Don’t Get Stuck with the Wrong Partner: Learn to Detect Unhealthy Traits and Behaviors in Others” is available on Amazon Kindle. You can subscribe to her YouTube channel on the undesirable sides of dating, committed relationships, separation and divorce at http://bit.ly/AskDrGYT and sign-up to her online news bulletin at www.drgeorgiana.com.
Dr. Georgiana coaches on the telephone, online or in her office in San Francisco (USA) and offers a FREE 25-minute Consultation. She can be reached through her website: www.drgeorgiana.com, by e-mail: firstname.lastname@example.org or phone: 1-650-731-5105.